A Room With a Southern View

Thoughts on Life and Liberty from an Average Middle-Class Kentuckian

All New for 2012: It’s About Time!

on February 1, 2012

2012 is here and I finally am beginning to like myself.  I hope that I will continue to grow in wisdom, faith, and maturity for as long as I live.  I had been on a plateau for a long time, stuck in the muck of toxic relationships, and it took an emotional cataclysm five years ago to propel me on toward my goal.  As evangelist Joyce Meyer says, “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.”

I have issues.  We all do.  As a  victim of abuse, I may have more than some, but less than others.  I am no longer the weeping victim, most of the time.  But I have my moments.  Thankfully, they are much fewer and farther between than ever before.  I still don’t understand the cruelty of people, but I’ve decided that to understand them would be to take some of that evil within myself.  And I’m not willing to do that.

I value honesty and integrity. “What you do in front of people is nothing if you are not living the same life at home behind closed doors.” (Matthew 6:5-7)  I’m good to people as much as is possible.  I avoid dishonest or devious people.  I still find it difficult to trust people, thus I may seem cold or aloof sometimes.  But I’m working on it.  I am so much more relaxed, content, and happy than ever before.  I laugh much more.  I no longer have to deal with people getting offended at petty little things  (or worse, imagined things), and keeping my life in turmoil.  God has blessed me with peace, and I am grateful!

I could never physically torture a child, as my brother did.  I could never pretend to care about someone, while slandering and misrepresenting them behind their back, as my sister did.  I could never tell my children that I never loved them, as my mother so matter-of-factly did.  I’m not that kind of person, and I don’t want to associate with people like that.  I look for evidence of the Fruit of the Spirit in people, and those are the ones I associate myself with.

Every time I hear the song What Love Really Means by JJ Heller, it reminds me of my childhood and young adulthood.  From as early on as I can remember I prayed to God to send someone to care about me, just like the song says.  Outsiders assumed that because I had the nicest clothes and latest toys that I had a wonderful life.  Yet, I was crushed from a lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse.  Material things can never substitute for the love and appreciation every child needs.

I am thankful to God that my mother was wrong when she told me that I was “un-lovable,” and that I would die alone because no one could stand me.  I have a wonderful husband who has loved me and put up with me, warts and all, for 25 years and counting.  We have two fabulous kids who love me dearly.  I have other family and friends who love and respect me.

I will be forever grateful to the wonderful Christian counselor who advised me to “run don’t walk” away from the toxic relationships that were poisoning my life and impeding my spiritual growth.  It was an incredibly difficult thing to do. It is regrettable that I lost some family members because they felt compelled to choose sides,  not my side because I never asked anyone to choose sides.  I never thought it was necessary for anyone to choose sides.  But it was all for the best.   I found out who my real friends are.  Now I see myself as a victor not a victim.

Although that insecure little girl still lives within me, throwing open the curtains, shaking out the rugs, and cleaning the cobwebs from the corners made her much more content to sit quietly in her room.  She rarely comes out to have a tantrum anymore.  Telling her story and helping others like herself makes her stronger.

2012 is my year to become emotionally and physically stronger, more compassionate, more selfless, more fearless, more focused, and to become a better Me.

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